What Do Children Really Need During Anxiety, OCD and Big Feelings?

Supportive phrases that build safety without feeding the anxiety

When a child is overwhelmed by anxiety, OCD, panic or fear, parents are often placed in an incredibly difficult position.

Your child may desperately seek reassurance:

• “Am I okay?”

• “Are you sure nothing bad will happen?”

• “Can you stay with me?”

• “What if I’ve done something wrong?”

• “Can you check one more time?”

  
  

And as parents, every instinct naturally wants to soothe, reassure and remove distress.

But many families eventually notice something painful: the reassurance only helps for a few moments before the fear returns again.

This is because anxiety and OCD are rarely looking for information alone. More often, they are looking for:

• certainty,

• safety,

• control,

• and relief from overwhelming feelings inside the body.

  
  

As a psychologist and psychotherapist, one of the approaches I often use with families is SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions). SPACE helps parents reduce accommodations to anxiety and OCD while still remaining deeply connected, supportive and emotionally available to their child.

Because children do not need coldness or “tough love” to recover from anxiety.

They need:

• co-regulation,

• emotional safety,

• calm nervous systems around them,

• and adults who can help them tolerate discomfort without becoming overwhelmed by it themselves.

Anxiety Lives in the Nervous System

Children experiencing anxiety or OCD are not simply “overthinking.”

Their nervous systems often feel genuinely unsafe.

Some children describe:

• tight chests,

• nausea,

• racing hearts,

• dizziness,

• shaking,

• panic,

• feelings of dread,

• or a desperate urge to escape or hide.

  
  

For autistic and neurodivergent children especially, these experiences can feel physically intense and overwhelming.

This is why supportive responses are so important.

When parents immediately reassure, fix or solve the fear, the child’s brain can accidentally learn:

“I can only cope if someone removes the uncertainty for me.”

But when parents stay calm, emotionally present and connected while gently holding boundaries around reassurance or rituals, children slowly begin to learn:

“I can survive uncomfortable feelings safely.”

That is where real resilience grows.

Helpful Phrases That Support Without Reassuring

Below are some examples of phrases I often encourage parents to use during moments of anxiety, OCD, panic or emotional overwhelm.

These responses aim to:

• build emotional awareness,

• support nervous system regulation,

• increase distress tolerance,

• and strengthen connection,

  
  

  without feeding the anxiety cycle.

Instead of:

“Nothing bad will happen.”

Try:

“I can see your brain is feeling very alarmed right now.”

Instead of:

“You’re fine.”

Try:

“This feels really big in your body at the moment.”

Instead of:

“Stop worrying.”

Try:

“You don’t have to make the feeling disappear straight away.”

Instead of:

“There’s nothing to be scared of.”

Try:

“Your nervous system is trying very hard to protect you.”

Instead of:

“Just calm down.”

Try:

“I wonder where you feel this anxiety inside your body.”

Instead of:

“I already answered that.”

Try:

“I notice your brain really wants reassurance right now.”

Instead of:

“Go to sleep, you’re okay.”

Try:

“Your body feels very alert tonight.”

Instead of:

“You need to stop thinking like that.”

Try:

“Let’s notice the feeling together without rushing to fix it.”

Instead of:

“You’re overreacting.”

Try:

“You can feel uncomfortable and still be safe.”

Instead of:

“Don’t be silly.”

Try:

“I’m here with you while the feeling rises and falls.”

Children Borrow Our Nervous Systems

One of the most powerful things I explain to parents is this:

Children often borrow the nervous system of the adult beside them.

When adults become:

• frantic,

• overly reassuring,

• panicked,

• or desperate to stop the feeling,

children’s nervous systems often become even more alarmed.

But when adults remain:

• calm,

• steady,

• emotionally connected,

• and confident that the child can survive discomfort,

the child slowly begins to internalise that sense of safety too.

This does not mean ignoring distress. It means helping children move through distress without becoming trapped inside it.

The Goal Is Not “No Anxiety”

This is such an important shift.

The goal is not:

“How do we stop all anxiety?”

The goal becomes:

“How do we help children feel safe enough to experience anxiety without needing to escape, avoid or ritualise every uncomfortable feeling?”

That is where confidence, resilience and emotional safety begin to grow.

And often, children do not remember the exact words we used during their hardest moments.

They remember:

“Someone stayed calm with me when things felt scary.”

That experience changes the nervous system more than reassurance ever can.

If your child is struggling with anxiety, OCD, panic, school distress or emotional overwhelm, you are not alone. These experiences are far more common than many families realise, and with the right support, children can learn to feel safer in both their bodies and their world.

Warmest wishes

Fiona Killick

Psychologist & Psychotherapist

The Little Bird House